


Let's Try This Again...

by liberallesbian37



Series: Project Team Beta's 2013 Writing Challenge [29]
Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-22
Updated: 2013-07-22
Packaged: 2017-12-21 01:06:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/894002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liberallesbian37/pseuds/liberallesbian37
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by a "book that doesn't exist, but should" titled "It Seems to Me That Many of You Have Missed the Point: Let's Try This Again" by Jesus Christ.</p><p>Absolutely no disrespect intended. This is just a fictional response to a piece of artwork.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let's Try This Again...

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by ["Let's Try This Again"](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/25091) by Tyler Adam Smith. 



> Challenge Number/Title: 29/Write It Nao  
> Date Posted: 7/22/13  
> Fandom: Original  
> Rating: T+  
> Genre: Alternate reality-ish  
> Content Descriptors: Some swearing, religious theme  
> Character Pairing: N/A

I would like to dedicate this to the people of the world-Christian or not—who understand what I meant. However, you are not the ones who need to be reading this, are you? 

There are a few things I, Jesus, would like to point out before this book actually begins. That Bible, you know, the one you’ve been following for centuries longer than you should have been? I didn’t write it. No, your eyes aren’t going bad. You read that correctly. I. Did. Not. Write. It. A person wrote it. A human. Just like you or me. Well, not like me because I’m dead. Dead people generally don’t write books. But I couldn’t let this go on any longer. There are a few things I need to set straight before I can rest in peace.   
First off, I don’t kill anyone. God—and we’ll get to him in a second—doesn’t kill anyone. You know who kills people? Other people! Natural—and I do mean natural, not mystical—disasters kill people! Accidents kill people! Your own damn stupidity kills people! You honestly thought we were killing people because gay marriage was legalized? What kind of idiot believes that?   
Second, this fighting in the name of religion has got to stop. Did I ever tell you what God you should believe in? NO! How could I? Some normal human being who was probably a man, but could also have been a woman, wrote the Bible and told you what God to believe in. If you want to believe Pops is THE God, go ahead. But I was a Jew, remember? Yeah, you like to forget about that. For the love of man and woman kind, you have to stop killing each other! Do you seriously thing that ANY God would want that? And no, I’m not going to tell you who the real God or gods or Goddess or goddesses is or are. Do you want to know why? Because that is for YOU to figure out. It’s YOUR faith. We’re not going to send you to Hell for choosing to believe in the wrong god. Seriously. Which brings me to my third point:  
What the hell do you think hell is? How much time do you think we have on our hands? Do you know how many people exist on Earth? And you think we pick through each and every person to decide if they go to Heaven or Hell? Seriously? Sometimes you humans are unbelievable. I’m not going to tell you anything about Heaven or Hell or if they even exist. If the only reason you behave like a civilized human being is because you think you’re going to spend eternity in paradise, you don’t deserve paradise. Be a good person because it’s the right thing to do.  
I might have had a forth point, but I can’t remember it right now, so let’s get down to those rules you think I made. I think they could use a bit of modifying. Let’s start with the so called “sins”.   
1\. Lust. Look, I don’t give a shit about your sex life. As long as it’s consensual and safe, I don’t care. I don’t care if you’re married; I don’t care if you’re seventeen of fifty-seven.   
2\. Gluttony. Okay, you probably shouldn’t be too gluttonous, but it’s not going to land you in deep trouble with me. Your friends and family, maybe. But not me.  
3\. Greed. Well, greed is pretty bad. It kind of causes a lot of problems. Don’t be greedy.  
4\. Sloth. Just get your ass out of bed and don’t be a complete loser. It’s okay to sit around a little. It’s okay to be a little bit lazy. Just don’t go overboard.  
5\. Wrath. All right, wrath is bad. Don’t be wrathful.  
6\. Envy. I don’t care if you envy something. It doesn’t make any difference to me. But, for your own happiness, I would suggest trying to be content with what you have.  
7\. Pride. Hey, pride is good! To a certain degree. Try not to piss off everyone around you, but a healthy amount of pride is just that: HEALTHY.

Now let’s lay down those virtues.   
1\. Chastity. If you want to be a chaste little thing, go right ahead. Don’t let them slut shame you, but also don’t let them prude shame you.  
2\. Temperance. A little moderation is good, I suppose.  
3\. Charity. Help each other out, for god’s sake. Choose a cause. Help if and when you can.  
4\. Diligence. Try not to forget you left the stove on.   
5\. Patience. It really is a virtue.   
6\. Kindness. Do I even need to explain this one?  
7\. Humility. It’s the same as pride. You don’t ALWAYS have to express humility, but if you screw up, own up to it. Don’t take credit for things you didn’t do. 

It seems we’re at my favorite part of the introduction: the 10 Commandments.   
1\. Don’t hog the television. It’s the 21st century. Times change.  
2\. Wear deodorant, especially if you’re going to be around people.  
3\. Try to love everyone, but if you don’t love someone, hate them from afar, and not to their face.  
4\. Be nice to the animals. They’re a lot smarter than you know.  
5\. Don’t be an ass to your parents. And on the flip side, don’t be an ass to your children.  
6\. Try not to sleep with your married or in a committed relationship neighbor. It’s a dick move.  
7\. I still don’t give a shit which god—if any—you believe in. Just try to be a good person.  
8\. I like the stealing rule. Stealing is still bad.  
9\. Don’t kill anyone, you idiot. Except in self defense. But don’t be an idiot and put yourself in a dangerous situation and them claim self defense.  
10\. Go ahead and treat others the way you want to be treated.

I hope this little introduction has inspired you to read the rest of this book.   
Peace.  
Jesus


End file.
